I hear the anguished tone of your email. I understand how painful it must be to feel you have to conceal an essential part of your identity from someone you love so much. Clearly the whole purpose of being in a relationship is being able to be utterly vulnerable, open and naked (in the metaphorical sense).This means you have to remove all of your defensive armor and feel that you are accepted for who you are.

In all areas of life we are judged by what we do, how we present ourselves, the impact we make, and which accoutrements of success accompany us. It is only in a loving relationship that we are judged by a completely different criterion, namely, what we are, as opposed to what we do. It is our being which is embraced and not just our doing.

Hence, your feelings of anxiety and your fears of rejection are very understandable-you're concerned that if your sexual history were known, you would not be loved by the man whom you love, and whose affection you seek.

Here is my suggestion to you. We all make mistakes in life. We all do things that we regret. Wrestling with our humanity is the very stuff of living. In life, righteousness is defined not through perfection, but rather through struggle. It is our endeavor to try and do the right thing that makes us unique and special.

The bad things that you did in the past -- agreeing to be intimate with men who may not have loved you, compromising your sense of intimacy and dignity -- those things are all in the past. They are no longer who you are. When we repent of the bad things that we do, then they are erased and they are obliterated and they no longer stick to us. In Jewish teaching, when a person changes their ways they are not even allowed to be reminded of their former ways because those former ways apply to a different person and not to them.

What I am saying is that you should certainly not share with your boyfriend the fact that you have been with many men. It was not you who was with those men. Now that you truly regret those actions, have changed your ways and have committed to a better path, you have become a different woman.

You have changed, you are new. To bring that up would be bringing up a stranger, a foreigner. And this is especially true because your convictions have changed.

You write to me that you regret what you did, that you went through a difficult period, and now that you no longer believe in that kind of lifestyle, it is no longer a part of you. Do not tell him a thing about your sexual history, because it is someone else's history.

You must go into this new relationship being new. In some religions, virginity is seen as being something of the body, such that when it is lost it can never be regained. But though there's a spectrum of opinion within every faith, I believe that in Judaism, virginity is seen as something of the mind, and something, therefore, which is subject to continual renewal. We can always become mental virgins. We can wipe our minds clear and free of the ghosts of lovers past that haunt us, and we can enter into new relationships as if it were the first and only relationship. That is now what you must do.

If you make the mistake of bringing up some of your previous relationships with men, even in an effort to be more honest and authentic with your boyfriend, who may indeed become your husband, than you are making the mistake of re-experiencing those relationships rather than choosing to be a mental virgin. Repentance and renewal are essential, not just in religion and spirituality, but in human relationships and in human living. You have repented of your past, now forget it and let it be, and let us not discuss it again.

May G-d bless you always, and I hope that your relationship with your boyfriend turns into a healthy and wholesome marriage.

With every best wish,

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