It took me about 200 miles to admit that I was wrong. A few hours back up the road, I had been slamming around the house, irritated that I was late leaving on a solo car trip, disorganized, frustrated, and my complaints were gradually enlarging to include anything I could think of regarding my poor husband. I didn't know why it was all his fault, but if you gave me a minute I'd come up with something.

Of course, the ost glaring crime was that he didn't understand me. Of course, the most salient reason was that I wasn't making sense.

A few hundred miles down the road I was feeling, not just personal guilt, but a kind of corporate guilt. It's not just me; a lot of the women I know have this same genius for being unreasonable. In my opinion, you guys deserve some thanks for putting up with us, and some apologies, too.

It took me a few decades to come to that conclusion. Back in my college days, I fiercely held a self-refuting double conviction: First, men and women are exactly the same; second, men are jerks and women are perfect. Over the years, married to a guy, raising sons, I learned a few things that modified that opinion. I learned from raising a daughter, too, and facing things in that genetic mirror I had comfortably ignored in my own. Here, then, is a long-overdue valentine, some flowers for the fellas.

First, I'm sorry that we get unreasonable like this when we're upset. Your hunch that you can't win in these situations is entirely accurate. It's good of you to stick with us anyway. I don't think I'd go on making lunch dates with a girlfriend who acted that way.

I appreciate that you think you should protect me. That even if you're a total stranger, if someone menaced me chances are you'd automatically come to my aid. Even if it risked your life to do so. I wouldn't do that for you. If you think about it, that's an extraordinary gift for one gender to give another. Just saying "Thanks" doesn't seem enough.

I appreciate that most of the names on the war memorials are male. Even if the armies of the future are as gender-balanced as Noah's ark, that remains a significant facet of history. For centuries, men presumed it was their job to die for women; they presumed, in other words, that women's lives were more precious than their own. Take another look at "Saving Private Ryan": All those extraordinary feats of courage, but not to save Private Ryan's life; he was as expendable as any other private. The real purpose of the mission was his mother. To men of that time it was obvious that no effort would be too great to spare a mother such terrible grief. For such gallantry I thank you, my grandmother thanks you, and my great-great-great grandmother thanks you.

I appreciate all the little courtesies that put ladies first. I know that 25 years ago, I said I'd punch any guy who tried to open a door for me. I was wrong. You meant it in kindness, and I was rude not to take it that way.

I'm sorry for all the harsh jokes about men. A contest in my local paper invited war-of-the-sexes witticisms, and as I read them over I realized that the ones aimed at women were all along the lines of "She sure likes chocolate!," while the ones about men could be summarized, "He's a big boorish idiot!" You might notice a difference there, and once you start noticing it, you see it everywhere. In general, anti-male humor has a bitter, hostile edge lacking in even the dumbest dumb-blonde jokes. Yet guys repeat this banter as much as anyone else; in general, they can roll with self-deprecation a lot better than women can. I think they're very good sports.

Along the same lines, do you notice how many TV ads and sitcoms have this plotline: stupid guy gets his comeuppance from a tough woman? Does anyone ever see any plot that's the reverse? Not on my TV. Again, guys are good sports, good at laughing at themselves, but I think there's a more serious cost to all this hilarity. When all we see are dumb daddies, bad daddies, and absent daddies, there isn't much for a little boy to aspire to. Movie heroes still follow the James Bond convention of carefree, commitment-free womanizing; brave, steadfast family men are few. Yet despite the lack of appreciation, many, many men get up and go to work, then come home to their families, every day.

We would be wise to celebrate it. This invisible heroism is the backbone of healthy community.

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