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Sometimes God tells us relationships should end, whether or not we want to hear it
By Renita J. Weems Beliefnet Updated: Mar 31, 2008
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Dear Ms. Weems, I have been in a relationship for the past eight years with my son's father and am really wondering if it's time to move on. This would be a difficult thing. I love him, our child would never be if not for the love I feel for him. It is my deepest wish that we be together as a family. The problem is, he isn't ready to get married or live with me and our son. He is crawling out from a hole of not working for a very long time and is trying to get back on his feet. He is in his late 30's and I am 32. He's supportive of me as a parent, and a good father to his son. I am a college graduate and earn more than he does. I don't want to give up on him. I see so much unfulfilled promise and it's eating me inside to think we don't have a future together. He says he loves us, so why can't he commit to being there full time? -- Uncertain Single Mom
Dear Uncertain Single Mom,
The question isn't so much "why can't your son's father commit," but why can't you believe him when he communicates in so many ways to you that he can't commit?
Okay, let's say you manage by some miracle to convince him to marry you despite his misgivings. That move is likely to cost you big time. You'll be happy in the beginning. But
if you have to beg him to marry you, you'll likely to have to beg him to stay married to you
if you have to beg him to marry you, you'll likely to have to beg him to stay married to you.
if you have to beg him to marry you, you'll likely to have to beg him to stay married to you It gets down to this: Your baby's daddy has to share your confidence in the relationship. He has to want the relationship as much as you do. From what you've written, it doesn't sound like he does. I know that's hard to hear, but just be glad you figured it out in time. Don't bother asking why he won't commit, just be grateful that you picked up his clues. If you're pleading with God for a sign or an answer, consider it done. "No" is an answer from God, whether we want to hear it or not.
My guess is that what's keeping you involved in this relationship is that you feel you've invested so much in the relationship. But I say to you, cut your losses and move on.
Count your beautiful child as your gift from the relationship, and leave it at that. Cry. Feel remorse. Cry. Sigh and reflect wistfully on what might have been. Cry some more. And then wipe your eyes, comb your hair, and thank God that while you may be slow, you are not dumb. You deserve to be loved by someone who wants you as much as you want him.
Blessings,
Renata
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