A year after my divorce, as I struggled to raise four kids under 12 years old, my mother was full of advice. She said, "Honey, falling in love is easy. The challenge is to find someone who has enough of the same goals, values and interests so that you can create a life that moves in the same direction."

I figured that between dance lessons, swim meets, basketball games, homework and my job, it would be hard to find the time to be in the same room with available men, much less figure out if we were going the same direction in life!

It was then that I understood. Unless I had some kind of plan for the direction I wanted to move in my life, there was no way I could find a man on the same path. Since it was unlikely I'd discover that man at back-to-school night, it meant that I'd have to approach this new phase of my life the same way I'd gone after other things I wanted to achieve -- with a plan.

For me, the most important step was shifting from the romantic idea that I'd run into the man of my dreams someday, to the understanding that dating might require the same effort as the acquisition of a new job, with steps to take, goals to reach, and research into what I really wanted.

A dating plan will look and feel different for each person. Here are a few ideas to get you started on your dating plan.

1. Start a dating journal. Be painfully honest with yourself. Take time to evaluate what it is you want from your dating experience. Do you want to date casually for the first few years while your kids finish high school, or have you been alone long enough and wish to get married ASAP? Make a list of your "must haves" and "don't wants." Write down all the things that have gone wrong in past relationships and what part you played in creating these patterns. Circle the patterns you don't want to repeat and decide how you might change your behavior in these areas. Write down all the things that worked for you in past relationships. Do not show this journal to anyone! After every date, refer to your lists and evaluate the person. If they have 50 percent of what you "must have," it's worth a second date.

2. Set a goal of contacting at least three new people a week. Be proactive and adventurous. Feel proud that you've made this commitment to yourself. Since time is one of the biggest challenges for single parents, it's best to get to know as much as you can about the person before you have to hire a babysitter, get dressed up and go out. Email back and forth. Discover what the person is passionate about, share personal history, future goals and what you are looking for in a relationship. Be honest and be yourself. Pretending is a waste of time!

3. Figure out a schedule that allows you time away from your kids to date. Set up a day or evening where a babysitter or friend is watching your kids the same time every week. This makes setting up dates much easier. Look here for more suggestions about making time for dating.

4. Once you're on the date, use your time wisely. The goal is to get to know the person you're with and let them get to know you. As single parents, it is tempting to talk about your kids, problems in a past marriage or struggles you're now facing. Try to refrain from this approach and remember that you are looking for a person with similar life goals, values and interests. Keep the conversation focused on getting to know the person who is sitting across from you.

Get excited about the dating life you're about to create. Be creative in putting together a plan that works for you. Put positive energy, time and commitment in -- and expect big results.

More good advice from Sheila Ellison -- Single Mothers and Dating: Experiment to See What You Want