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Must-Haves and Don't-Wants for a New Relationship

Know what you're looking for before you start dating

By Sheila Ellison Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: Apr 1, 2008

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Knowing what you're looking for is the first step towards successful dating. Most of us have a vague idea of want we want and don't want, but few take the time and effort to put it down on paper. If you're serious about creating a successful relationship, take the time to make a "must have" and "don't want" list.

Before making your list:

Evaluate past relationships. What were the positive and negative contributions you made to the relationship? Take a look at the "type" of people you've been attracted to in the past. Open up to the idea that dating is an opportunity to challenge your old views.

We all repeat what we know. Sometimes we have an idea of the partner we want, so we make a list based on what we've experienced before. However, if those relationships haven't worked out for you, it's time to take a serious look at what you've based your "must have" and "don't want" lists on in the past.

Be willing to experiment with different types of people.

Make your list:

When you make your lists, you must be very specific. It isn't going to help you if your list looks like this:

Don't want:

Abusive personality
Addicted
Lazy
Self-Centered

That list doesn't give you enough direction. The person could yell when driving (abusive), eat chocolate all day (addicted), like to spend every Sunday afternoon playing couch potato (lazy) and talk excessively about work (self-centered). Yet the specific behaviors I just mentioned might not bother you at all. So be very specific about what you don't want and the degree to which a behavior is acceptable. Same goes for what you want.

The more specific you can be, the better able you are to identify whether the person is compatible with your needs and wants.

The first time you make this list, write down everything that comes to your mind -- every little detail. Have fun with it. Pretend you're building a fantasy partner, the perfect match for you. Once you have this list, go through with a more serious mindset and circle the things you truly "must have" and "don't want." Make your final list from the circled items.

With list in hand:

You've done your work and know what you're going for. Good job! Now it's time to play detective. People always show their best side in the beginning. Sometimes they can fool you for months or years, so you need to pay close attention. Look at other relationships. If the person doesn't have a best friend, or any friends in his or her life from earlier times (childhood, high school, college, a past job), you may want to ask yourself why.

Watch interactions with family and strangers.

Observe how they respect themselves, their home and belongings.

Observe how they respect themselves, their home and belongings. The things on your "don't want" list may not be obvious, so you'll need to pay attention to all the ways the person you're considering lives his or her life.

Most of us know the typical list of desirable must-haves. We all want someone who is faithful, communicative, supportive, honest, successful, patient, kind, interesting and talented. We all know that is what others want, so we do our best to show these traits and portray ourselves this way. Nobody shows up to reveal a list of dark secrets -- yet we all have them, so we must become detectives and learn to pick up on the little things.

Be committed to yourself

Stick by your list. If the person doesn't have at least 50 percent of your must-haves, don't bother continuing to date. If the person has anything on the "don't want" list that you absolutely can't live with, don't bother with another date. In the end it won't work out. Better to move on to someone better suited to you.

More good advice from Sheila Ellison -- Single Mothers and Dating: Experiment to See What You Want

Sheila Ellison is the author of "The Courage to Love Again: Creating Happy, Healthy Relationships After Divorce," "The Courage to Be a Single Mother: Becoming Whole Again After Divorce," "How Does She Do It? 101 Life Lessons from One Mother to Another," and "If Women Ruled the World" as well as six bestselling parenting books. She is the founder of SingleMomsConnect.com, an organization that connects single mothers in a one-to-one friendship that offers practical, emotional, and physical support as each woman rebuilds her life. She has appeared on "Oprah," NBC's "Later Today, and "The Early Show" on CBS. Her web site is CompleteMom.com.

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Report Abuse 1. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Thu, Sep 20, 2007, 10:49 pm PDT

Cool, first to comment I guess I had better say something intelligent and worth reading. I wish I had read this article or had this advise prior to getting married to my ex-husband. I mean I have common sense and I was actually even warned but at the time I really didn't see or understand what the person was attempting to point out to me. I had been married previously for 23 years and most of those years were, for the most part, very happy so I guess I wasn't thinking in terms of must-haves and don't-wants. I have to say that now after experiencing the relationship from hell I will be making a list of must-haves and don't-wants and following it to the letter. I must have had blinders on because I married a total manipulator. He lied to me about everything and I believed him and it was really easy for him to manipulate me. Now, I will be much more careful in the future though. I have learned a lot through all this, that is for sure.

Report Abuse 2. Posted by Cindy Fri, Sep 21, 2007, 11:48 pm PDT

Amen Sister.......

Report Abuse 3. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Sat, Sep 22, 2007, 6:00 pm PDT

That sounds like good counsel, if you are ready to start it all again. I've been divorced for almost 5 years, went through a couple of relationships (obviously had blinders on too) after that, and have not actively dated in almost two years now. I have had no urge whatsoever to even pursue a relationship. I've been working on myself and improving my life (quit smoking and drinking, moved to a different state, got myself to the PEAK of my career), and I've accomplished most of what I set out to do as a single man. I now look and feel better than I ever have in my life. It is well worth it to not rush into ANYTHING after something as traumatic as a divorce. The two relationships I had after my divorce, both with hidden, highly toxic problems in my partner that were well concealed for a long time, had soooo turned me off to dating again. Perhaps one day I will work up the courage to have another go at it. But not today!

Report Abuse 4. Posted by STACY Sun, Sep 23, 2007, 6:20 pm PDT

OMG Sooo many of us with blinders. Whats up with that? I saw red flags in a 10 week marriage last yr and denied all of them because he had a PERFECTLY good explaination for all of them. You know I learned in my first marriage of 16 yrs not to make such a big deal out of stupid things that dont even matter in the end. So I am pretty easy going now but after last year I dont know if I should insist on the best or not. ( I dont want to settle though either! )HELP!!

Report Abuse 5. Posted by Devonya Mon, Sep 24, 2007, 10:59 pm PDT

I have never been married, but I have been in long term relationships (4 or more years). I thought I had weeded through all of the behavioral problems ,because I have waited up to a year before entering into a relationship while observing the habbits of my significant other. Needless to say this has not helped me in the past and may not in the future. Now I just try and let God lead me in all of my relationships!

Report Abuse 6. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Tue, Sep 25, 2007, 7:45 pm PDT

Oh the blinders!! Yes we wear them. Being a single mom I am picky about whom I let into my life let alone my sons. I was in a relationship for almost three years with a "wonderful" man that wanted to share my life and be a role model to my son. I had my list and this man fit right in there. Personally I think he found my list and told me everything I wanted to hear. It got to the point of me trying so hard that I just got tired of it. In the future I will keep my list mental.

Report Abuse 7. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Tue, Sep 25, 2007, 7:52 pm PDT

I agree with the "if they have anything on the can't have list, end it then." I have tried to continue, trying to convince myself that their other traits overshadowed the can't traits. I even have gone so far as to think I was just being selfish or vain if I can't accept their "flaws" as I have many... But always, in the end, those are the traits that drive us apart... I think I have finally learned, but havent tried dating again for a while. Most men that are online, want to meet too soon, and don't want to converse email to see if we are compatible verbally. Thanks for the reminder to make our list, and especially for standing firm on the can'ts!

Report Abuse 8. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Tue, Sep 25, 2007, 8:03 pm PDT

Honestly I don't think you can put a checklist into the mix of dating. If you make up rules and regulations, when you start dating someone it will end up as an interview, and tell me where the romance is in that! Relationships are give and take, not meet my demands and we'll be happy. It is understandable to have certain criteria such as my mate can not have an active drug addiction or be physically or mentally abusive toward me, but when try to catagorize every person you go out with, you will find no one will ever live up to your standards and you will only frustrate yourself through the process.

Report Abuse 9. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Tue, Sep 25, 2007, 8:12 pm PDT

I am on the opposite spectrum. I lost my husband of 13 years completely unexpectedly. I admit that we had our issues, but we meshed together very well. We were not only a couple, but we were absolute best friends. We never ran out of things to talk about, even at 4 am...lol. As much as I said I did not want to date again, I am finding myself looking more and more at dating pages on the internet, as well as putting myself in more frequent social situations. I think this is excellent advice for someone like me who might have a little bit more of an issue with having blinders on out of loneliness. I think I would have been more willing to overlook some of the traits that would become and issue if I didn't read this article. I wouldn't want to end up on the wrong side of a heartache, just because that seemingly small annoying trait turned into a huge issue. Thank You.

Report Abuse 10. Posted by A Yahoo! Contributor Tue, Sep 25, 2007, 8:25 pm PDT

See, I think you DO need the "don't want" list... Why settle? You ask where is the romance, well, where's the romance in settling for a relationship that's less than what you want? After being married for five years and waiting for my spouse to "change" those little things that always bothered me, I know in the future I won't settle. And by "little" things, I mean, waiting for him to quit smoking, start going to church with me, etc... It is the little things that drive you apart sometimes. If I hadn't settled for less than what I wanted in a mate (non-smoking, Christian church go-er) I could've saved myself five years of my life and a ton of painful "stop trying to change me" arguements. The article wasn't saying to nit-pick, but to list absolute must-haves and don't wants.

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