Melissa -- I'm not at all surprised that you are aware that there is a problem in your marriage but your husband thinks things are fine. Women often have a better pulse on the relationship. It's also not unusual that you found a love interest at work, since people spend so much time together there. Affairs always seem wonderful because they aren't real life -- they are captured moments. As you state, you are "in a mess" that is only likely to get messier.

The best path to take is to end the affair immediately and work on your marriage. Even though you have made the suggestion to your husband previously and he has rejected it, you must firmly let him know that there is a problem, that you are not happy, and that you don't know how to fix it. Ask if he would be willing to at least try. Might I also suggest that there are some professionals who are able to work with just one partner; when one partner makes some changes, it can create a reaction in their spouse.

If you work on your marriage and you are not satisfied, you then have the choice to end it. However, becoming involved with someone should be when both are free to become involved, as it is far less messy and hurtful to all other parties involved.

Melissa -- You are indeed in a mess. You have fallen for one of the oldest delusions in the book, that is, that it will be easier with someone else. But first things first. You describe your marriage as unhappy yet your husband is reluctant to do anything to make it better. This sounds like this is the first discussion that needs to take place. Does he want to work on it or not? If he does, I would highly recommend that the two of you go to counseling together. This will help you clarify whether you want to continue with the marriage. It will also ease you into separating, if that is what you decide. If he refuses to go, then I am afraid there is little you can do. Marriage is based on commitment, and it is very hard to work on it unless both partners are deeply committed to making it work.

As for the new love, I wish to caution you. Affairs are so exciting in part because they have no responsibility. They do not involve mortgages, bills, laundry, and cleaning a house. They are simply an exciting alternative to reality. I worry about you falling in love, as long-term relationships are not based on love. They are based on trust and commitment. The infatuation that many couples call love fades, while true love is like a friendship that has caught fire.

That is not to say that this may not be a significant relationship down the line, but you need to make a decision about your marriage first.

Melissa -- In a mess, indeed. It's difficult to see a happy ending out of this, and you are facing challenging choices. I understand the desire to have your relationship needs met and the pain that comes when you are struggling in a marriage. However, your relationship with the married man is on a very shaky foundation. Both of you are breaking your commitments to your spouses, which will tend to draw negative consequences. A key outcome is already underway --you are struggling with self-respect and confidence. Your lover is also setting up a situation that will seriously harm his wife and children.

Unfortunately, problems in a marriage are never solved through adultery. The challenge now is restoring integrity to your marriage. That means taking the painful step of ending the affair and dealing directly with the issues you have with your husband. Sometimes when an affair occurs, it can become a wake-up call to the spouses, and the marriage can become better than it ever was before. This healing requires commitment, honesty and perseverance. One of the best online resources to assist you is marriagebuilders.com.

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