Dee Dee -- You have a right to date, but you're probably going to have to cut the strings with your mother, or at least handle her differently. She's not the only one here who has some attitude. Why does she have to know you're dating? She's probably worried about you and her grandchildren because two divorces indicate you may not be making the best choices. Try to be more businesslike in your babysitting arrangements. Coordinate your schedule with hers, and arrange for definite nights off, what we call a "respite" or break for you as Mom. Don't wait until you have a date or want to go out.

Instead, arrange with her in advance that Friday nights (for example) will be your night off, and she'll spend that time with her grandchildren. Then you don't have to explain where you're going. Neither your kids nor your Mom need to know about your dating until you find someone you'd like them to meet, and then he should be introduced as a "friend," and your behavior in front of them should be appropriate to friendship. Try it and you'll find you have much more control of your time off.

Dee Dee -- All of us have many roles to play in life. Your role as mother is just one part of who you are. There is also the adult woman who has a right to create the life she wants, which for you includes romance. It sounds like your mother has been successful in her strategy of "guilting" you into not dating. Since you've been divorced twice, her motive may be a good one -- to protect you from going through a difficult relationship or being hurt again.

All that aside, if your mother is not willing to support you in your goal to be an adult woman who dates, has friends and outside interests, AND is a responsible mother, then your best option is to expand your support circle. There are many ways to do this.

One of the best is to find other single mothers who live near you and who would be willing to trade babysitting with you. This would take your mother out of the circle and free you from her judgment. You would be building your circle of extended family, your kids would meet other kids facing similar challenges, and you would be creating friendship and support with women closer to your age who may have similar life goals. Once you have a few women you can call on (and who can call on you for help), all of you will discover a whole new level of freedom in your lives.

Dee Dee -- Looks like you have a few things to balance here: your need for a romantic life of your own, being a good parent, and dealing with your mother.

I can totally identify with difficulty in finding childcare. My family doesn't live nearby, so it's hard to get out and do things. Your mother disapproves of your dating. Clearly it's causing you grief. So what might be necessary is to remove her from the equation so she doesn't have any place to complain about watching your kids while you date.

A solution may be to get in contact with a childcare agency to arrange outside care for your kids. For instance, we go through a nanny service that contracts "temporary child care" with their nannies. What you have is a babysitter you can call to schedule a few times a month or whatever. You can go out, know your kids are safe, and your mother is not in the middle.

It won't end her disapproval of your dating, but you won't be dependent on her for childcare, so you can deal with the situation on a more equal basis with her. You can be the mom you need to be as well as manage your life as an adult in a way that fulfills a very basic need to interact with other adults. That's really all you can do.

Good luck.

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