You Asked... "Why Didn't He Call Me Back?"
Experts and readers answer our members' toughest dating and relationship questions
By Caroline Presno, Ed.D., P.C.C.; Chelsea Summers, and Evan Marc Katz
Updated: Nov 28, 2008
I asked out a man from my workplace and we went out that weekend. I asked him and yet he paid (impressive). This gentleman has two full-time jobs, and he had a bad breakup and has not dated in years. So again my surprise that he said yes (to me).We went out and I thought we both had a great time (he said he had fun). I called him the next night and left a message saying thank you again and asking if he might be interested in doing it again but have not heard from him since. Because he's out of the dating loop and wasn't really looking, plus he works 18 hours a day, am I overreacting thinking he should have found time to call me back? I know I will see him at work again, but we don't always cross paths there either. Should I give it up for lost or wait until the weekend to make a final judgment? My low self-esteem and my impatience don't work well together. -- M.E., 30, Waterbury, Connecticut
Caroline Presno AnswersM.E. -- I'm impressed that you asked this man out. It takes a lot of courage and you should congratulate yourself! However, unfortunately, now you are feeling the hurt of an unreturned phone call -- we've all been there. The most important thing you can do in the short run is NOT wait by the phone. Go out with friends, go to a movie, take a walk -- anything that will get your mind out of obsessive mode.
Once you clear your head, you can start to look at this more objectively
Once you clear your head, you can start to look at this more objectively. He doesn't seem to want to dive right into a relationship, but he might be willing to go slow. If you are willing to go slow, let him know by phone or email. If he doesn't respond positively to that, move on. You either didn't click as well as you thought or he has commitment issues that will be a roadblock in the future.
No matter what happens with this man, I would like to see you work on your self-esteem, which you say is low. Start by writing a list of 25 positive things about yourself. If you think you have pretty eyes, write that down; if you are a good friend, write that down, etc. You can also ask your close family and friends to help you with this list. Higher self-esteem will make any relationships you have in the future healthier and happier.
Chelsea Summers AnswersDear M.E. -- First off, kudos to you for taking a chance and asking a man out. It's rarely easy to ask anyone out, much less to ask someone at work.
Now on to the content of your letter. Your last line alludes to self-esteem issues, but the fact that you felt confident enough to ask this guy out suggests that although your self-esteem may feel somewhat bruised at the moment, it's really very healthy and should heal nicely in short order.
Which leaves you with the problem of impatience.
As much as patience may be a virtue in all of life, it is even more so in dating.
As much as patience may be a virtue in all of life, it is even more so in dating. Having patience in dating does not mean waiting, per se. Rather, patience in dating entails a kind of Zen state: patience in dating is the sound of one hand clapping. In dating, you need to wait without waiting. You need to learn to let it go -- "it" being your expectations, your ego, your predetermined dating narrative, and your frustration. Only when you can live in the dating moment will you find true happiness.
Most of our frustration with people not responding to us as we want them to -- whether it's calling us back, or asking us out again -- has to do with our egos. We take it as a mark of our attractiveness, our desirability, indeed our self-worth, when our dating object responds with passion, and we take it as a blow to our selves when he or she doesn't. What we have to keep in mind is that the other's response is rarely a question of who we are. Almost always it's a question of who the other person is, what that person has to do that day or week or month, and what demons he or she is currently slaying.
My advice to you is to accept this gap in communication. Maybe he'll call, maybe he won't. At the end of the day, you're still the fierce woman who takes risks and looks for what she wants. You'll find it, whether it's with him or someone else. Just be patient; good things come to those who can learn to wait without waiting.
Chelsea Summers writes about relationships and sex because she has a lot of experience with both. She uses a pseudonym to protect the identities of parties about whom she writes who are far less innocent than she. You can read more of her work at
chelseasummers.com.
Evan Marc Katz AnswersDear M.E. -- You sound like a very reasonable person.
Not all women bother to consider a man's point of view, but you did.
Not all women bother to consider a man's point of view, but you did. And not only did you put yourself in his shoes, you came up with all the possible excuses he could throw at you:
- I work two jobs for a total of 18 hours a day.
- I had a bad breakup and haven't dated in years.
- I work with you, so I'll run into you at the office.
The question isn't whether these excuses are valid. The question is whether you're going to buy them. I say you shouldn't.
You didn't mention how long it's been since you called him, but if it's any longer than a day or two, he should have found time to respond. Is it possible that he hasn't been near a phone or a computer since your date? Sure. If he's a farmer during harvest season. If not, he's either lacking a) common courtesy or b) interest. Either way, you're better off investing your energy in a man who makes a greater effort to court you.
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