Dating Tips -- Yahoo! Personals

Single Mothers and Dating: Experiment to See What You Want

By Sheila Ellison Special to Yahoo! Personals Updated: Sep 26, 2008

Remember eighth-grade science lab, when you mixed a little of this with a little of that to come up with who knows what? Dating is like that -- one continuous experiment.

I propose you turn the tables on dating. Instead of thinking of it as an audition where you hope to impress someone into liking you, see dating as an opportunity to experiment with the person you want to become. This is your chance to take an honest look at past relationship patterns that didn't work.

Dating experiments

As a single mother, you have undoubtedly changed since your divorce, so be open to learning new things about yourself.

The type of man you were attracted to in the past may not fit the woman you are today.

The type of man you were attracted to in the past may not fit the woman you are today. Pay attention to the reactions you have to different men, how they treat you, whether or not you like their personality, and if you are able to be yourself instead of who they might want you to be.

Use your conversations, challenges, personality traits, and relationship styles to begin to define what kind of relationship you plan to create. Create is the key word here. Bring to each date a piece of the woman you want to be within the relationship. If you want more humor, then introduce humor into the dating relationship and see how it works.

Don't pretend to be anyone but yourself, but also remember that there are parts of you that may have grown and changed. Allow yourself the freedom to experiment and see what feels right to you at this stage in your life.

Set dating goals

The first step in dating preparation is deciding why you are dating and setting dating goals. Not everyone is looking for a life partner; some women just want to get out of the house, have fun, and meet interesting new men. Why do you want to date?

Are you learning to trust again?
Do you hope to meet many men but want to take some time before committing to a serious relationship?
Do you want to be open to dating men you might not have been attracted to in the past?
Or maybe you felt that you lost part of yourself during your marriage, and you're trying to find that person again.

Deal breakers

What kinds of men do you want to meet? Get specific and be painfully honest with yourself. What are your must-haves in a relationship? What are your deal breakers? Write all of this down, so you can refer back to your list when you fall for someone who might not be right for you.

Think about some early conversations you might want to have once you're dating.

Do talk about yourself, your interests, experiences, and insights.
Don't talk about your ex-spouse or why you got divorced.
Ask questions that help you to determine whether or not the person matches your dating goals and hoped for character traits.
Be selective. You may think you have too much baggage (children, financial worries, etc.) and should settle for less than what you want, but if you do, you'll be very sorry (and probably divorced again!).
Last, be patient. It could take months or a year (or more) to meet someone. Stick to your must-haves, deal breakers, and dating goals. Be honest about who you are and what you want. The relationship you create will be well worth it.

Sheila Ellison is the author of "The Courage to Love Again: Creating Happy, Healthy Relationships After Divorce," "The Courage to Be a Single Mother: Becoming Whole Again After Divorce," "How Does She Do It? 101 Life Lessons from One Mother to Another," and "If Women Ruled the World" as well as six bestselling parenting books. She is the founder of SingleMomsConnect.com, an organization that connects single mothers in a one-to-one friendship that offers practical, emotional, and physical support as each woman rebuilds her life. She has appeared on "Oprah," NBC's "Later Today, and "The Early Show" on CBS. Her web site is CompleteMom.com.